In God’s Hands

04 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by emmafaye in Essays and Short Stories

Today will be a good day.

I come to the breakfast table, just like always, where I join my family for pancakes and orange juice. My father reads the paper as my mother reviews with me for my history test. It’s an almost perfect world.

I glance at the clock and realize it’s time to leave. I grab my backpack and lunch and say goodbye. I am outside just in time for the bus; I hop on and sit in the first open seat, right next to the window. The sun is just peaking up over the horizon illuminating the beautiful autumn leaves still clinging to the trees. I close my eyes and silently say: Today will be a good day.

And in this world it was.

Once again I find myself at the table, enjoying dinner and the usual conversation with my parents.

“How was your day today?” he asked in his typical fatherly tone.

Looking up from my plate and smiling, I answered. “Good.”  Then I jumped out of my chair and ran to the other room to rummage through my bag. I hurried back to the kitchen holding my “A+” test behind my back. I waited until I was standing right between the two of them and shouted, “Mom, Dad, look!”

Maybe, just this once, she will be proud.

I open my eyes to this black and white world surrounding me.  I walk through the doorway to find the beast waiting for me. Numbness covers my body as I am swept into the raging storm. A voice is yelling, but I don’t listen, the words are already beaten into my head.

“Shut up, you f***ing piece of s***!” she yells as I come crashing to the ground.

I had been silent before but was even more silent now.

The yelling continues, “You will never amount to anything, you hear me, NOTHING.”

And in this world I was.

                      She doesn’t know who I am. She can’t hear me. I try to speak louder but the words wont form. She tells me to be quite and I am. I try again to tell her but I am silenced by the tears running down my cheeks. They are red and stain the cloth covering my black and blue body. This makes her mad and she grabs me by the wrist. Yanking on my arm to stand me up, she knees me in the side, and as I am hunched over, she shoves me into a wall. I slide to the floor as the darkness closes in on me. Finally the beast disappears.

If only I am not invisible. 

My best friend and I always know what the other is thinking. It’s almost like we have the same mind. But we always tell each other everything anyways. Naturally we talk about the boys we like as we walk through the halls of our school. She talks about her wonderful boyfriend, and I tell her all about this new kid in my next hour, and that he probably doesn’t even know I exist.

I am looking the other way as I turn the corner and I happen to run right into him. Startled, I drop all my books on the floor as my face turns an embarrassing shade of red. I look over to my best friend as she gives me a good luck smile and walks away.

“Are you alright?’ he asked.

“Yeah, sorry, I really should watch where I’m going,” I replied as I bent down to collect my things.

“Here, let me help you,” he said as he picked up my science book.

“Thanks,” I whispered, blushing deeper.

He looked up from the book to me and asked, “Aren’t we in the same science class?”

I nodded and stood up.

“Want to walk to class with me?” he asked as he handed me my book.

“Sure,” I replied holding back a smile.

And in this world I am.

We belong where love is.

Once again it’s dark, another Michigan winter is setting in and the cold wind suggests a possible snow, but I am home.  All I want is to climb into bed and sleep for a long, long time.

I open the front door to walk in, only to be pushed back out.

“Get out,” she screams, “This is my f***ing house, get out!”

I step back and look to the ground.

“You little f***er, you can’t just f***ing walking in here, GET OUT!” She slammed the door and I heard the lock as I stood there frozen in panic.

And in this world I’m not.

                     Slowly I walked away from the door and behind the house where I laid on the back steps and closed my eyes. I can sense the dark world around me. Colorless shadows dance in the night, tormenting my mind. I breathe deeply and think to myself…

… it will end… it will end… it’s not her fault… it will end…

Friendship is reason for life.

It’s really bright in the living room so we turn out the lights to watch the movie. All six of us are squished sitting on the couch, but we are all laughing so hard it doesn’t matter. It has been a long time since we were all together in the same place, but nothing has changed. We are still six best friends who love a good movie night, even if we never get to the movie.

We have a sea of popcorn with whales swimming in it. Happiness surrounds us as we play in a colorful world of fun. No one can find the remote anymore, and I don’t think the DVD player is even plugged in. But none of that matters, we are here, we are now, and we are alive.

I wiggle free from the heap of joyous bodies.  I try to stand up but just knock the popcorn over instead.

“Look what you did now!” they yell through their laughing.

“Since we can’t eat it, we might as well…throw it.”

And all of the sudden there was popcorn flying everywhere and we all laughed until our stomachs hurt and we could barely breathe.

And in this world it’s happy.

In God’s hands.

She pulls me out of my fantasyland and back into the black and white world of fear. She raises her hand to me, but I move and she misses. I wish desperately for safety, but everywhere I turn, all I find is terror. I run for the stairs, but she catches my feet and I fall into them. I get up with bloody shins and hands and barely make it up the steps. I realize that this time there is no escaping; no more can I drift away to those pleasant places full of light, and color. She is coming for me. I sense her rage, but I still try to run. She grabs my arm and I feel the sting of her hand across my face. She lets go and I collapse to the floor.  I watch as she rips the toaster from the wall to throw at me, but I will not allow her the satisfaction any longer. I stand up, pick up the knife, place the tip of the blade to my chest and say to her, “It’s out of your control; I’m in God’s hands now.”

Advertisement